How To Tell A Mainlander In Hawaii

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Mahalo For Sharing Your Aloha

Just What Is A Mainlander In Hawaii? A mainlander is somebody from the ‘mainland,’ in this case, from the 48 contiguous United States (Alaskans gets a break). Also, mainlander generally means caucasian.

Just how do I know all this? Because I made many of these mistakes :0 Also, so all you mainlanders don’t get out your mobile phones, find the contact us page and get ready to, “Tell me a thing or two.” Please know that all of the below was written with a large amount of jest and full aloha.

How Do Locals Spot A Mainlander? Often their skin is pale, especially in winter. When a mainlander speaks they often ‘mainlandersplain,’ i.e., they say and/or do things like:

Mainlanders have a ‘mainlander mentality’ and reference their origin by saying things like, “Back in the States…” or “Back where I’m from, we did this better.”
Mainlanders always seem in a hurry – they just don’t know they are.
Mainlanders commonly mispronounce Hawaiian words. For example, if they are from the Seattle area they have no problems saying words like Sequim (squim), Puyallup (pyoo-AL-up), or Kalaloch (KLAY-lock), but don’t want to learn or spend the time to learn Hawaiian. Mainlanders from Southern California know it is La Jolla (not La jawl la). After a while mainlanders realize that the ‘w’ in Hawaiian words is pronounced like a ‘v.’
Mainlanders often overuse Hawaiian terms, words, and phrases, such as da kine, bro’, or they fake speak pidgin English.
Mainlanders sometimes/often don’t respect locals, whether in stores or in local interactions. They may think they are ‘better’ than ‘locals.
Surfing mainlanders often use mainland techniques such as taking all the waves. They soon learn that this can lead to a frank discussion with locals.
They take a lot of photographs, often 10 or more a minute. (Locals only take nine pictures a minute.)
Mainlanders are less likely to share – anything.
Mainlanders are more likely to leave trash at the beach.
Cheap mainlanders will ask for the kama’aina discount (a discount given by local merchants to people who LIVE in Hawai’i). Mainlanders also butcher the enunciation when saying the word kama’aina.
Mainlanders obsess over punctuality and how it impacts them and their important schedules. Mainlanders soon learn that lateness happens in Hawai’i it is called ‘Island Time.’
Often mainlanders first reaction is to fume about a situation, not to understand or be happy that they are in Hawaii.

How Do Mainlanders Dress? There are a lot of dead giveaways for mainlanders in how they dress.

Mainlanders wear socks to the beach.
Mainlanders wear long jeans to the beach.
Mainlanders wonder why there are so many pairs of ~~flipflops~~, make that slippers (or even slippahs), outside the front door of Hawaiian homes.
Mainlanders don’t take off their shoes when they visit someone’s home.
Mainlanders wear athletic shoes in casual situations. Locals only wear athletic shoes in athletic events.
Mainlanders wear expensive penny loafers, without socks, as they walk around. To make it seem casual they omit the penny.
Mainlanders often dress for a night out in the ‘Full Cleveland’ (just so you know, I had to live in Akron for two years) merged with the ‘Miami Vice’ look.

How Do Mainlanders Drive? Well, this is simple, mainlanders drive like they are on… the mainland.

Mainlanders pull right up to the crosswalk, or into the crosswalk, at red lights. Kona locals typically stay back from the intersection by five feet. (How do I know this? I just look over my shoulder at stoplights.)
Mainlanders believe that a yellow light means to gun their rental car through an intersection.
Mainlanders still prefer the middle finger for any perceived slight or driving injustice.
Of course, the rental vehicle of choice is either a Mustang convertible or a Jeep.

How Do Mainlanders Eat? Here are a few tell-tale tips:

Mainlanders ask for forks when only chopsticks are served.
Mainlanders ask for things like gluten-free, or low-fat or low-carb anything.
It takes mainlanders 10 words or more to order their coffee.

How Do Mainlanders Shop? Who knew shopping habits could be so predictable?

Mainlanders load the location of the nearest (and only) Kona Kona Costco into their phones before they depart the mainland.
Mainlanders swarm upon Target and Walmart going five people wide as they scour the aisles.
Mainlanders buy for reef safe sunscreen, water shoes, Hawaiian-esque t-shirts and Hawaiian nicknacks. And, of course, macadamia nuts to take home as gifts.
Mainlanders are oblivious to the locals who are currently shopping in any store.

Bonus Mainlander Facts? Mainlanders aren’t always aware that:

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Mainlanders often aren’t sure if they need a passport or not to visit Hawaii. It is not only a state, it is part of the United States.
Mainlanders think that when a local says, “B-52,” they are maybe talking about an airshow that will have the B-52 bomber aircraft, not the huge flying cockroaches Hawaii that terrorize you when they fly.
Mainlanders may ask what language is spoken in Hawaii.
Mainlanders may ask about what kind of currency is used in Hawaii.
Older mainlanders may want to see all the places shown in the Elvis Pressly movies.
Mainlanders may ask if their cell phone will work in Hawaii. (As a bonus, Hawaii has internet too.)
Mainlanders may wonder if they can ride turtles or dolphins.
Mainlanders may ask if there are any bridges connecting the islands.
Mainlanders may wonder if the ocean goes all the way around the islands.
Mainlanders may wonder with everything so expensive in Hawaii how can locals afford to live here.

Here are a few mainlander views of Hawaii:
Elvis sings Blue Hawaii